Gore
[Recent Entries][Archive][Friends][User Info]
Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in the "Gore" journal:
|
12:20 am
[Link] |
;;;;
December 17, 2007 - Monday
2:54 AM - Casual vs. Serious Relationship.
Category: Romance and Relationships
Aside from the obvious necessity of a strong connection being there, I think there are four main components needed in order to build a long lasting, succesful relationship.
1. Honesty
2. Communication
3. Respect
The fourth? Maybe it's not so much a component as it is something that has to be realized...
There are two types of relationships; a serious relationship, and a casual relationship. A casual relationship is not so much a relationship at all, in my eyes. It's nothing more than a glorified way of saying you have someone you're faithful too, that you hang out and have sex with. It's when you come and go as you please without really caring about one another as people; you just enjoy one another's company. Your relationship isn't the most important thing in your life, and you don't alter your lifestyle so that you can spend time together; you hang out whenever you're both free. There is no "we" in a casual relationship. The money you make is yours, likewise for them. Having car problems? Too fucking bad, it's your problem and you must fix it yourself... even if that means you not having a ride to work. In a society where greed, lack of originality, and selfishness dominate, the casual relationship is easily the popular of the two.
What is a serious relationship? It's the most important thing in your life, in your significant other's life. It's when every decision you make takes your partner into consideration. It's when their problems are your problems, and likewise. There is no "mine" in a serious relationship, it's "we." If they have a car problem, it's your duty to help them as much as possible to get it fixed. You place a premium on spending as much time together as possible. You don't let your job interfere with the time you get to spend together. You want to be around your partner and they want to be around you. Doing so makes both of you happy. You don't have the desire to do things you shouldn't do... such as talking to significant people from your past. Your heart belongs to this person and you won't take a chance on messing things up.
You've got to be sure you both want the same type of "relationship" or it just won't work... no matter how great a connection is there.
It blows my mind when people let things stand in the way of a relationship, no matter what those things may be. The most common issue in interfering with relationships, I'd have to say, would be a job. People just don't get it. The grand scheme of life just isn't understood by many. Let me put this in a way everyone can understand: There is nothing more important in this world than the life of other human beings. Making enough money to live comfortably is important, sure, but wake the fuck up... if it wasn't for other humans you wouldn't be here to have an opportunity to make money. You didn't nurture youself through childhood. You didn't guide yourself through adolescence. You made it to adulthood because people got you there. How do you show your appreciation? Apparently, you become a selfish, greedy asshole who puts your career in front of every person you know. You can quote me on this: If I'm ever lucky enough to find the right person for me, there will be nothing in this world more important to me than her. I would turn down the Cardinals General Manager job to be with that person. I cannot be bought like the rest of you people.
So, who am I?
I'm not the rich guy who will buy you expensive gifts for Christmas.
I'm the broke guy who spends every last penny to be able to fall asleep next to you at night.
|
|
04:55 pm
[Link] |
ss
July 23, 2008 - Wednesday
8:09 PM - Grab a box of tissues before reading this.
Current mood: good
Category: Life
I am not a people person. Sure, my biggest want in life is finding an amazing girl and doing as much as possible with her, but outside of that, there's a handful of people I care if I ever talk to again. I don't want to have many friends. I believe people have their priorities so mixed up that it's comical. One should not build their life around friends. I'll admit it's important to have a few close friends, but the reality of it is this; friends aren't people who are going to be there for the long haul. Obviously, there's no guarantee anyone will be there for the long haul, but still. Friends have their own hopes and dreams to chase after. Friends ultimately want to find that one member of the opposite sex (or same; there's a lot of faggots in this world) who intrigues them, who inspires them, who wishes to build their life around them. Friends will move off in search of their wants in life. In the short term, they may appear to care about you, but lets face it, life is about achieving personal happiness. Nothing else matters. If people only care when it's convenient for them to do so, they should be of zero importantance to you.
I don't want to come off as a person who doesn't care about others, because that's not the case at all. I care much more than the average person. I can't explain how much I love the feeling I get when someone new enters my life and we seem to click almost insantly. It's a rare thing for me to be able to talk to someone for hours. Unfortunately, those types of things never last, but I enjoy them while they do. I've never fucked anyone over and I never will. I care a lot... about relevant things. What I don't care about is the shit that most everyone else in this world almost exclusively cares about.
I really don't believe I expect much from people. I'm impressed by originality, honesty, and morals. Those three admirable traits should be instilled in the majority of humans, but in today's socieity, they're most certainly not. Most everyone in this world is impressed by the opposite of what catches my eye. If you have more tattoos than most, if you have your ass cheeks pierced together and are still able to take a shit, if you can do more drugs than anyone else you know and not die, you're pretty goddamn impressive to the majority of the brainwashed dumbfucks wandering the earth. Morals are a thing of the past. People want to half-ass everything. There is no half-assing being a good person; you either possess morals or you don't. If you're gonna do something, do it right or not at all.
I do not take part in hooking up for meaningless, no-strings sex, but even so, I understand that it is natural for humans to mate. It is natural for mammals to mate, and it is natural for insects to mate. When you take that into consideration, really; is having sex actually hurting anyone? Perhaps if a child was born and won't be properly raised. The question wasn't "Does unprotected sex hurt anyone?" though.
I do not take part in the usage of drugs, and by drugs, I mean illegal drugs such as marijuana, cocaine, and heroin. I also do not drink alcohol; another drug... though a legal one. Before I move on, if you're a dumbass who wants to tell me that alcohol isn't a drug, please, look up the definition of the word "drug." If you're gonna attempt to tell me alcohol doesn't cause change in behavior, I'm gonna tell you that you're undoubtedly a fucking moron. While sex doesn't hurt anyone, the same cannot be said for drugs. While sex is natural, the same cannot be said for drug use. I've never heard of other mammels or insects smoking joints or snorting crack. It doesn't happen. With these facts presented side by side, I believe without a doubt that drug use is much more immoral than "sleeping around." Neither is something you're going to do if you're a good person; I'm just laying out the facts.
Honestly, I have no desire to have a word with 99.9% of the people I come in contact with here. Originality is rare, and morals even more scarce. People who possess both should be marked as endangered species. It's always funny when I see someone who claims to "think for themself," yet they are just like everyone else in this world. They have their tattoos and piercings, they are interested in whatever flavor of the week the media hype machine is currently spitting out; be it music, video games, movies, or television. They don't think for themselves; they do what socieity dictates they must in order to earn acceptance.
Far too many people in this world accept things for the way they are. For example, next time you go and pay over four bucks for a gallon of gas, put some thought into it. Think about how this earth has more water on it than anything else. Think about how the logical thing to do would be to create a source of transportation that uses water as its source of fuel. Think about how it will never happen because the oil industry brings too much money into this world. Don't think such transportation couldn't be designed. Scientists can discover ways to cure cancer, but can't design a car that runs off of water? Please. I just sit back in amazement at the ignorance of the average human. If you ask a person why they did something, you're likely to get a response similiar to "Everyone else does it." Deep way of thinking there.
I have beautiful visions of what I think life should be. I sit and imagine those on a daily basis. Imagining those, in all probability, is as close as I'll ever get to such beauty because my thoughts aren't "the norm." I don't spew my thoughts so that others will agree with them. I don't expect anyone to understand me. I never have. I'm simple, yet an unbreakable code to those who lack the ability to decipher uniqueness. Of course I have somewhat of an ego; there is no way that I couldn't. Every female who I've ever had more-than-friend feelings for had to be deceitful towards me in order for me to develop those feelings. It's as if these girls knew they weren't good enough for me, they didn't deserve me, so they kept things from me that they knew I wouldn't stand for. I was naive enough to fall for it, so they got me. I didn't look at them as sex objects like every other dude, and after a couple weeks, they're thinking I'm not into them. It's why I can't keep a girlfriend. Chicks aren't used to being treated nicely. They aren't used to not having some dude want to fuck them within a week or two. Treating them differently than other guys causes them to feel inadequate.
It seems as if people just vanish from my life for no reason. It used to bother me, but I've stopped caring for a while now. If you want to walk out the door; peace. I'm gonna vanish one day, myself. I'm gonna leave this wasteland and embark on a journey in search of real people who understand life. I don't expect to ever discover many of those people, but I know they're out there somewhere; few and far between.
|
04:54 pm
[Link] |
h
July 15, 2008 - Tuesday
7:49 PM - My mission.
I've always been a person who thinks a lot. I'd definitely consider myself a dreamer. I'm always trying to better understand not only myself, but this world and others in it. It is my belief that 90% of the people in this world end up not getting what they truly want in life. Most people will settle for a cheap imitation because it can be much easily acquired.
I think about how large this country is and how many people call it home. The prospect of love has always been a huge deal to me. To me, the meaning of life is to find that one special person who you instantly click with and to create as many memories as possible with them. No, I don't believe in such trivial horse shit as "love at first sight," but I can undoubtedly tell you that certain people exist who we just have a certain spark with from the begining.
Are people really happy or do they make themselves think they are? This world has so many people in it that I've always thought it's completely ridiculous to think that you can find the right person five minutes away. That isn't the right person; that is settling. That is making the best out of what you have to work with. I realize to the majority of this generation, love isn't a big deal, but to me, it has always been the most important thing in my life. It's rare when my interest is even piqued. I'm picky. I have high standards, and why shouldn't I? It's comical when people go out with 10 different people from the same city in a year.
In April, I was in a position any other guy would kill for. After about 2 weeks, I had a really attractive girl in my bed. I didn't care. I didn't make a move for sex, and honestly, it was something I never even considered. I looked at the girl as someone I could have seen myself with for a long time, and to have sex with her so soon would have been the worst thing that could have happened in the long run. I don't want some slut in my bed; I want a girl who cares. I don't want to fuck some slut; I want to make love to someone beautiful. There's so much I want to see and do in life with someone who will appreciate me as much as I'll appreciate them.
I have no idea how I could have been so stupid for so long, but I'm glad I further figured things out a few nights ago. I live in West Virginia. Sure, it's always gonna be my home, but it's West Virginia. Unless you're looking for rebel flags, hick bastards or coal, you're not gonna find what you're looking for here. Too many people don't get what they want in this world. I'm not gonna be one of them. I will look high and dry; travel everywhere I can afford to travel to, until I find a girl who proves to me all of them aren't the same. I know somewhere a girl like that exists; finding her is my mission.
|
|
08:54 am
[Link] |
m,,
July 5, 2008 - Saturday  | 11:08 PM - It’s hard not to give up in this world.
Current mood:  drained
Category: Life Welcome to life. Here, what happens, probably shouldn't. Logic can't be applied to real-life events. Uniqueness is on the verge of extinction. People with their own identity should be marked as endangered species, for they are no doubt a dying breed. With all the negativity and careless actions of others, how does one not drown in a pool of depression? How does one find the will to battle up this seemingly never-ending mountain of slippery shit life puts us through? Hell, I don't know myself. We've got to clear our mind as best we can. Getting fucked over is part of life. It happens. It happens to some at a much higher rate than others. We shouldn't let one experience (or perhaps twenty experiences in some cases) ruin our perception of the human race. I don't believe the average person is truly happy, but that's because the average person lacks the ability to think for themself. I believe in order for us to achieve true happiness, we must take risks. We must roll the dice. We'll lose some, but that'll make the wins that much sweeter. Don't be scared of fire. Put on a gasoline suit and walk through it. The past is called the past for a reason. Leave it there, for when it becomes part of your present, you're inevitably doomed. If you have a heart, there will likely always be people in your life that you'll lose, and you'll miss, but unfortunately, loss is part of the world we live in. People change. I've saw a lot of people change. It doesn't make me happy to say that none of them changed for the better, but thats the choice they made. Who am I to tell anyone how to live their life? For the longest time, I put too much emphisis on being morally right. Through personal experiences, I now believe that sometimes, it's right to do the wrong thing. Do what makes you happy. If going out and having sex with a different person every week makes you happy, go out and do that. Live your life the way you want to live it. If whatever way you're living it isn't making you happy, you're failing at life. Failure isn't good. It's ok to miss people you've lost, but that shouldn't dominate your thoughts to the point of depression. If someone shit on you, it doesn't make sense that you'd want to run back to them. Somehow, we must find the stength to carry on with our duties and continue on our personal road of hope in life. Where is my ex-girlfriend? Well, likely in bed with another dude. At the strip club grinding the pole perhaps? Maybe even on the street corner looking to make a nickel? It doesn't matter where she is. She's none of my concern. She walked away and that was her choice. Regardless of if I wanted things to end that way, they did, and the only thing to do in said case is accept it. Ties must be severed. Stength must be built. Time was wasted so a lesson must be learned and applied to all future endevaors. It's hard not to give up in this shitty world when nothing but gloom and evil reign supreme, but as long as we're here, we must try to better our future; we must place faith in something, anything. |
|
|
08:33 am
[Link] |
gggg
May 9, 2008 - Friday | | 8:01 AM - The Bible of Manliness.
Category: Life I'm in a pretty decent mood right now. When you finish reading this, you're gonna think I'm the most pissed off ever. That is not the case. The case is, that from time to time, I feel the need to fucking rant. I feel the need to bitch and complain about how stupid, uncaring, and fucking evil the average jackass is these days. I'm about to piss a lot of people off, but lets face it; I don't give a fuck. I never have. I say what I feel and if you feel differently, good for you. I don't give a shit how you feel, quite honestly. So if you don't like something you read here, proceed to fuck off and not tell me about it. People are fucking evil, bottom line. Unless you've known someone for the majority of your life, chances are you don't really know them. Someone can put their trust in you one day, open up and tell you personal things, plan a future with you, then wake up the next day and be gone forever. Don't waste time trying to figure out others, because it's not possible. Regardless of what a bunch of fucking school nerd psychology faggots think, it's not possible for us to predict or know what anyone will do. Hell, most dumbfucks wandering the earth are so out of touch with reality and themselves, that they themselves don't know what they'll do. People wake up on the whim and decide they're going to become something completely opposite of what they've always been, or at least led people to believe they were. If someone doesn't give a fuck about you, fuck them. They aren't worth worrying about. If someone hurts you, fuck them. It's common sense anyone who gives a shit isn't going to intentionally hurt you, so don't fucking care about someone who doesn't or never did care. Most people shouldn't be allowed to be in relationships. No one wants to put anything into a relationship. The majority of people are only with someone because they enjoy having company. If you can end one relationship and be in a new one within days, you didn't fucking care about that person. If you care about someone, it takes fucking time to deal with the prospect of losing them from your life. You're all stupid and don't know what love is. If something makes you happy, fucking do it. If someone makes you happy, be with them. Don't worry about the fact that people might be pissed or think you're a dumbfuck for doing something. Fuck others. We shouldn't do others wrong, but we shouldn't let others stop us from what we want, either. Life is too fucking short to be unhappy. As long as you're happy, no one else's opinion means a damn thing. Don't be scared of change. I'll admit that change usually fucking blows, but sometimes it's necessary. It's usually necessary in order for things to improve. Part of growing up is facing fears and realizing no matter what, people are always gonna talk shit and try to ruin things. Fuck them. Do what makes you happy. Face the fucking facts, the only people who are happy in this world are people who don't give a goddamn about hurting others, people who are materialistic, money driven fucks, or some fake ass piercing and tattoo covered scenester faggot who plays in a shitty garage band, which is cared about only by high school faggots and will never go anywhere. Speaking of these bands, is West Virginia the goddamn U.S. capital of garage bands? It's fucking comical how many bands are out there and they're all the same laughable quality. It's like, "Hey, we can't write a song or sing, but we can play random heavy shit." These bands are pure shit. They sound like someone being raped. None of you are ever going to be Between the Buried and Me, a band with actual talent that is capable of writing a coherent song. No one fucking cares. Ever. Die. Nothing in this fucked up world is going to change. If you want to change shit, you're all on your own. Be the change you wish to see. No one else gives a shit, and no one else is going to help. People are fucking cold, heartless, and careless. Might add more later. |
|
|
09:56 am
[Link] |
Season of love.
My hatred for summer is on record. I don't like hot weather. I don't like thunderstorms. I don't like annoying kids being home from school and being annoying. There's a lot that I don't like about summer, but through all of my disdain towards the season, I've always saw a potential for unequaled beauty, as well.
To me, summer is the season of love. It signifies everything I think is special about companionship. It's warm enough to sit out under the stars, yet still cool enough to cuddle up with the person who means most to you. When I think of my idea of getting close to someone and letting them see what's inside, there's not a better time than summer for such a situation to occur. Just sitting out half the night talking about hopes and dreams, and letting one look into a soul sounds incredible to me. Being able to walk along a beach hand in hand, being able to sit in the sand and listen to the waves, being able to enjoy the sunset together, and turning late nights into early mornings have all been life long dreams of mine. Perhaps I've watched one too many sappy movies, because I don't know that such things actually happen in this world.
Summer is still a ways off, but I don't really see a female being in the picture as of right now. But I guess things can change. I just want this summer to be an amazing one. I just want to live life, and be happy doing it. I want to have someone special in my life and create memories with them that neither of us will ever forget. Does anyone else in the world still think like this? Is it possible for such beauty to still occur?
|
|
10:01 am
[Link] |
It's hard to say goodbye.
I'm sitting here trying to come up with a big intro, and I don't have that in me; not this time.
Pretty much any holiday has been just another day to me for a long time now. I suppose that happens as we get older, and I'm sure not having a significant other to spend those days with has something to do with me feeling that way as well.
Not only am I dreading Christmas, I think it's going to by the hardest Christmas of my life. I've pretty much set my mind to moving to Texas, maybe even next month... if it's cool with Eric and Starla, but I'm sure it will be. I'm sure it's what I need to do to be happier. I'm sure it's what I need to do to be more successful. It's gonna be hard, though.
Mom is extremely happy that I moved in here with her and Robert. She's gonna be really disappointed when I tell her I've decided to move. She's gonna be crushed, really. I'm gonna be going to Dad's today, I suppose, and I'll be there until a couple days after Christmas. I'm really dreading going over there because he has a new woman and some of her family are gonna be around for Christmas. I'm glad he's happy, but it's always really awkward meeting people like that. Anyway, back to the Texas thing, neither of my parents know that I'm wanting to move. Dad will be fine with it and tell me good luck, but I know Mom will try to get me to stay. Just this morning, her and Robert gave me a really nice new computer chair for Christmas, and I felt bad taking it. I feel bad sitting in it now. All I could think about was, "Man, I won't be here to use this for very long." I don't plan to tell Mom my intentions until after Christmas because I don't want to ruin her Christmas.
Wow. Why does life have to be so hard?
Even though I've basically only talked about negative stuff in this, I am pretty excited about Texas. I miss hanging out with my best friend. I'm excited to meet Dave. I want to tell Cody to be strong and hang in there. And of course, it'll be cool to finally meet Starla. I think I'll be happier there. It should be easier to get a job. Work will actually be pretty cool if some of us can get hired at the same place.
Even when you think it's the right thing, the hardest thing to do in life is say goodbye... it's just so final.
Current Mood:  crushed
Current Music: Norther - N
|
|
05:43 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 8.
Wow, I feel like shit.
Need sleep. Need food. Need a job. Need to move to a state in which I can get hired in, apparently.
Guess I'm going to Dad's one day soon and staying until after Christmas. I'm pretty excited to try out my laptop.
The whole female thing is impossible. Seriously. I must get lied too more than anyone else on earth. This girl tells me she's not talking to anyone else, and 2 days later she's in a relationship. WTF.
I need a job so bad it isn't funny. Goddamnit.
|
|
01:11 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 7.
goddamnit. fuck. shit. piss. son of a bitch.
There have been times in my life when I look at myself in the mirror and wonder just what the goddamn my problem is. What the fuck is my deal? Sometimes I just want to beat my own ass for being the way I am. Why the fuck is someone with such intelligence sitting on the internet all day, everyday, not accomplishing a goddamn thing but being bored as shit? It doesn't make any damn sense and there's no excuse to cover it.
Why the fuck don't I just stop being a pussy and get a job? Why the goddamn am I so decided on only working night shift somewhere? I shouldn't be like that at all. Being so fucking convinced that I can only tolerate night shift is only prolonging the inevitable; human interaction. Yeah, yeah, I hate people. I'm not a people person. That's too fucking bad. The population isn't going to die off anytime soon, so I might as well just fucking accept that I have to work with people, I have to talk to people, and I have to learn to tolerate how to do both without wanting to put an axe through someones skull.
It just pisses me the fuck off that I've wasted over 3 years and I keep wasting more and more time. I feel like working somewhere would be awkward and I'd have a lot of nerves to deal with, so I just keep sitting here avoiding it as long as I can. I keep sitting here and accomplishing nothing. I keep sitting here and distancing myself from my dreams. I need to stop being a sackless bitch. I need to get over whatever the fuck I'm afraid of, deal with shit, make money, and travel until I find the place I belong. There's a girl out there somewhere in this fucked up world for me, and she's not going to come knocking on my door telling me so... I've got to find her.
I guess Kohl's might be calling me soon since someone Dad knows is supposed to get me on there. I really don't wanna work there now, but fuck it. If they call I'll give it a chance. I don't know. Goddamnit. I should be successful and happy, but instead, I continue to be the sole reason I'm neither of those things. Someone should drop a bowling ball on my nuts and tell me to never even attempt to speak of such weakness again.
Current Mood:  pissed off
|
|
02:56 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 6.
Most people are so fake they should be arrested for fraud.
You know what happens everytime someone fairly young dies? Of course you do. People who knew them, as well as many who didn't, flock to make speeches about how life is short and any of us can die at any time. Yep, they've been taught how fragile life is and from this moment on, pledge to live their life the right way.
Those people should look into becoming con artists, because they rule at spewing bullshit. I'll tell you what really happens when someone fairly young dies: we sit and think, "Damn, that could've been me." But it wasn't. It never is. We know it never will be, so we go on living carelessly. Sure, we put up a front to act like we care, we glorify the fallen one's life, though they were likely nothing more than just another mindless, unoriginal, alcoholic/addict cancer to society. We do this so we come off as sympathetic. We don't care. We only care about ourselves.
In a relationship, would you rather have financial security, or would you rather have genuine love?
If that question were asked to everyone under the age of 25 in this country, I haven't a doubt which would be the preferred choice of the masses.
I hate it when people say things happen for a reason. There's no destiny. There's no pre-determined plan for any of us. Fate is a figment of ones' imagination. Fate is a crutch for the weak minded. A way out. An excuse for mistakes and a way to deal with wasted dreams. 99% of the time, the reason things do or do not happen is a direct result of our actions.
Sadly, do you know what it is that makes decisions for most people? It's neither their mind or heart. It's some sort of outside influence, be it "the norm," other people, culture, etc. This is probably the biggest reason I despise what has become of society. A dog possesses more originality than the average human these days.
Current Mood: hungry
|
|
08:15 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 5.
Well, a lot has changed since I last posted in this.
Got my bottom wisdom teeth out about 3 weeks ago. I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be... the worst part was not being able to eat normal food for like 5 days. Mom said she's gonna pay for it all, so that rules.
Speaking of mom, I now live in South Charleston at her and Robert''s place. I'm not sure how that came to happen quite honestly. I was just recovering from wisdom teeth removal, got comfortable here, and I'm still here. I have some of my stuff here now, so I guess this is where I'll be staying. I've always liked the city more than the country, so it's cool here... my only complaint is that the house is small and I'm used to quiet and privacy, and I really don't get that until everyone goes to bed.
Had my first interview ever 6 days ago... at UPS. Dude pretty much made it sound so shitty that I don't even want the job anymore. They might call in a few days and have myself and some others come down for tour and another interview... but I think I'm going to look elsewhere. I was pretty satisfied with how I came off in the interview. Figured I'd be real neverous... and I was before it, but once I got in there I was fine. Chris is getting on night shift at Kohl's and I hope to join him there. I need to get down there asap and fill out an application. When it comes to goals, I'm about as far from driven as one can be, but right now my priorities are a bit different from how they've always been. I'm just gonna focus on making as much money as possible the next 6 or so months. I have a number in mind, and when I save up my money to that number, I'm gonna step back and think about some things. It's a foregone conclusion that I'll one day move out of state... it's just a matter of when. I have a few pretty good (10+$ an hour) job oppurtunies right now, but I want to keep those on the back burner. I know what I need and what is best for me, and right now, I just need some work experience. I need to learn how deal with people. I've always had some social issues, and I need to work on those before I jump into any sort of office job where you need good communication skills...
Don't get me wrong, I've learned that you can't stand back and be shy, that you can't sit in the back and be quiet... you've gotta go for it. While you sit there holding it in, someone else is standing up and going for it, snatching your hope right before your eyes. I can write like a mother fucker, but I'm not a great speaker. I can deliver if needed, but I'm not looking to put a lot of pressure on myself.
I haven't really talked to dad much at all the last 2 weeks. I don't know... I kinda feel like he doesn't want me around anymore for whatever reason. My brother and I don't have a relationship whatsoever, and we won't as long as his current actions continue.
Two things that will happen sooner than later:
1. I will own or co-own a small business.
2. I will move to Texas for a while.
Current Mood:  okay
Current Music: Agua de Annique - Air
|
|
09:13 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 4.
Hmm. I usually only write during nights, so this is a rare occurrence.
Anyway, not much to say. Teeth are gay. I've put off getting both my bottom wisdom teeth removed for years now, even though they're impacted. My left jaw is starting to swell now because the wisdom tooth has came in as far as it can, so I guess sometime in the next couple of weeks I'll be getting at least that one removed. Definitely not looking forward to it. Supposedly, it's supposed to be pretty painful, and of course it's expensive as fuck. I don't know how I'm going to pay for it, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I know I won't be able to eat much for a few days and that's shitty, too; I'm just now starting to get back to eating close to normal and gain some of my weight back.
I need a good job. After I get that tooth (or teeth) removed, I must apply at more places.
I feel like eventually I'm just going to move away. Don't know where yet, but it's something I feel like I need to do. There's just nothing or no one here for me. There's a lot more to the world than shitty country deer hunting fatasses in camo and a bunch of sinus-triggering trees and bushes.
I wish I didn't miss... well, you know...
Sleep time is soon.
Current Mood:  tired
|
|
04:13 am
[Link] |
Shit that no one cares about, Part 3.
Love, so much to give
Too few to share it with
Wastes you away
Those lines from Oceansize sum up the way I feel. When you have so much to show to someone, so much to share, but no one to share it with, you die a slow torturous death. I feel like the best years of my life have already came and gone, and that's pretty fucking sad considering my life has consisted of sitting in a chair all day and being online since August 2004. The best years passed by... you don't just go find a wonderful girl and spend the rest of your life together like that. You just don't enter the work place and find a stable job that sets up the rest of your life like that. You start at the bottom and gradually work your way up the ladder of success.
Lets say it takes me 3 years to have a stable enough job to where I can support myself and not have to rely on anyone else. I'm 25 then. Lets say I find a girl when I'm 25 and we're crazy about each other. Well, lets not. The thought of that really doesn't sound appealing in the least. Romantically, I've always had a ton of dreams I'd like to experience. You don't find a 25 year old who hasn't already long experienced most everything I want to experience. I want to see the world and create first memories with someone. If they've already had those experiences I want to have, that significantly cheapens the value of the experiences to myself shall they take place.
What I'm getting at, is that I'm not really close to anyone in this world. I'm in this world but I'm not of it. I don't "click" with the majority of people I come in contact with. Being close to someone has its pros and cons, but right now, I miss the pros much more than I enjoy the cons. Sometimes I wish I was close enough to someone to where I could just randomly say, "Lets go on a trip to a beach and enjoy ourselves for a weekend." I don't have anyone I could say that to. Now, I might have a few people who I could go on trips with, but they are likely going to be couples, and to them, those trips represent experiences I spoke of earlier in this paragraph and I need not get in the way of those experiences. Hanging out with couples just isn't very fun, really; people normally end up feeling like outsiders. I guess that's because they are...
I've always thought that I had a ton of inner strength, and maybe when it comes to dealing with stress and ignoring what others do, I am really strong. One thing I've always been terrified of, though, is going out into the world alone. It has always and very much still does scare the holy shit out of me for reasons I'll never know. I'm quite certain it's the reason why finding a wonderful relationship before really starting my life has always been my preference... it would give me someone to lean on until I was able to stand on my own, it would give me someone to understand and tell me things will be ok. Guys younger than I am who fall asleep every night next to a female who genuinely cares do not know how lucky they are to have that and should never, ever, ever, take that for granted.
I guess most people will never really get me. If I thought I had the inner strength and the social perservance to do it, I'd wake up one day and just decide to leave. I'd move far away to a place I was unfamiliar with and live my life. There's so much I want to see, but there's no one here to see it with. I'm the type of person you'd find sitting in the empty stands at a football field in the middle of the night... visualzing my dreams and solemnly reflecting on the things I miss in life. Finding the right relationship is a task I can't be helped complete. I hate it when someone says, "Well, so and so is single and so are you, so how about hanging out and seeing what happens?" I don't want to end up with someone just because we live close to each other and happen to be both single. I want something real. I guess if I'm not first physically attracted to someone I wouldn't talk to them, but personality really does play a huge role in what I look for. I'm very different from most people and what I look for is someone different from most people as well. Obviously, that isn't an easy thing to find.
I don't really know what the point in posting this was. I've just been feeling like writing a lot lately. I need to get hired somewhere soon. It's not that I'm super excited about working, because I'm not, it's that I NEED to start working soon if I'm EVER going to actually start living. I could have never imagined it being so fucking hard to get hired somewhere remotely decent around here.
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Katatonia - Viva Emptiness
|
|
06:35 pm
[Link] |
Shit no one cares about, Part 1.
Well Chris and I were supposed to go apply for some coal testing job today, but that didn't happen. We were gonna go this evening then we find out the office closes at 4pm. I suppose we'll go tomorrow if possible. Seems like everytime we're gonna go apply or we do apply, something comes up. Maybe it's just not meant for us to have a job. Seriously, it can't be that fucking hard to get hired somewhere. We always get promised shit and it never happens.
Cards fired Jocketty today which really blows. Dewitt is one of the dumbest owners currently in baseball. I expect these next few years to be losing ones. Jock did an amazing job during his tenure, and it sucks ass to see him go. They can't replace him.
The world is so fucked up really. Being a good person doesn't get you anything. I see so much bullshit on a daily basis. There's not really any point of having laws or cops. No one enforces anything. People get away with shit all the time. Cops will put someone in jail for small things, but they do nothing about drugs, scams, etc. I don't get it.
I wish Soilwork or Thrice would leak.
I feel pretty lame today. Stomach hurts a ton and I didn't get enough sleep. No one will read this ever. I have some ultra-faggoty layout that I didn't pick. That's all for now.
Current Mood: crappy
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
apujols's journal